“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
— Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)
The Ghost in Your Marriage
There is a third person in many diaspora marriages. It isn’t a mother-in-law, and it isn’t a secret lover. It is a ghost called “Back Home.”
It shows up in arguments: “Back home, a man wouldn’t be washing dishes.” Or, “Back home, a woman wouldn’t speak to her husband like that.” Or, “In our culture, we didn’t have to schedule time for intimacy.”
We constantly measure our spouse against a reality that no longer exists. We hold them hostage to the gender roles, the household help, and the social structures of the country we left behind.
The Reality of “Here”
But we are not back home. We are here.
In this new land, the economics are different. Both partners often have to work to survive. The support system is different; there are no cousins or house-helps to watch the children. When the context changes, the contract must update.
If you cling rigidly to the way things were “back home,” you will break the person standing right in front of you. You cannot demand the privileges of the old country while facing the pressures of the new one.
A New Thing
God says, “See, I am doing a new thing!” This isn’t just about geography; it’s about your union. Migration offers a unique opportunity to rebuild your marriage on Biblical principles rather than just cultural traditions.
You are now a team of two in the wilderness. If the husband needs to cook so the wife can study for a certification that uplifts the family, that is not weakness; that is strategy. If the wife needs to manage the finances because she understands the new banking system better, that is not disrespect; that is stewardship.
Stop fighting the ghost. Look at your partner. They are the only one in the trench with you. Build a marriage that works for here.
🛡️ The Diaspora Challenge
Action steps for your union today.
- The Audit: Identify one expectation you have of your spouse that is based strictly on “how things were back home” but doesn’t fit your current reality.
- The Conversation: Sit down and say, “I realize I’ve been expecting X because of our culture, but I see that in this country, that puts too much pressure on you.”
- The Adjustment: Renegotiate that single task or role to fit your current life.
🙏 A Prayer for Adaptation
Lord, we confess that we have been looking backward instead of forward. We have let cultural pride create friction in our home. Help us to perceive the “new thing” You are doing in our marriage. Give us the humility to adapt, the grace to serve one another, and the wisdom to build a union that thrives in this new land. Amen.
This is Day 7 of The Diaspora Devotional series (Focus: Marriage) by Andrew Airahuobhor. [Get The Diaspora Couple Book Here]