“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
— Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)
The Look of Defiance?
Back home, respect had a “look.” A child looked down when an elder spoke. They didn’t ask “Why?” They simply obeyed. Silence was golden.
Here, in your child’s classroom, they are taught the opposite. They are taught that “eye contact” is a sign of confidence and honesty. They are encouraged to ask “Why?” as a sign of critical thinking. They are rewarded for speaking up.
So, when you correct your child at home, and they look you in the eye and ask, “Why?”, your cultural alarm bells ring. You interpret it as defiance. They think they are engaging in dialogue.
This is the Respect Gap. And if we don’t bridge it, we will crush our children’s spirits while trying to fix their manners.
Form vs. Essence
We must distinguish between the Form of respect and the Essence of respect.
The Form changes by culture (looking down vs. looking up). The Essence (honouring authority) is biblical and unchanging.
Your child can look you in the eye (Western form) and still honour your authority (Biblical essence). In fact, if you demand they look down and stay silent, you might be training them to be timid in a world that requires them to be bold to survive.
Training without Exasperating
Ephesians warns us not to “exasperate” our children. Punishing a child for a cultural behaviour they learned at school – one that isn’t inherently sinful – is exasperating.
We need to teach them Code-Switching. Teach them: “In this house, we speak with this tone. At school, you speak with that tone.” But do not break their confidence. You are raising a king or queen who needs to stand tall in a foreign land. Don’t force them to bow so low they can’t rise.
🛡️ The Diaspora Challenge
Action steps for your family today.
- The Observation: Watch your child when they are talking to you today. Are you reacting to what they are saying, or how they are saying it (tone/eye contact)?
- The Conversation: Have a calm talk about “Code-Switching.” Explain that just like they change clothes for gym class, they can adjust their communication style for home without losing their confidence.
- The Grace: If they ask “Why?” this week, try to answer it once before demanding obedience.
🙏 A Prayer for Wisdom
Father, give me wisdom to parent in this new culture. Help me to distinguish between true disrespect and mere cultural differences. I do not want to break my child’s spirit. Help me to raise a child who is respectful at home but bold in the world. Give me the patience to teach, not just punish. Amen.
This is Day 12 of The Diaspora Devotional series by Andrew Airahuobhor. [Get the full Collection Here]